Time for Reflection

One of the multitudes of things I enjoyed about being a Deputy was the solitude. No one looking over my shoulder. When I arrived at an intersection or "fork in the road" it was my choice which way I wanted to go. Kind of like the difference between right and wrong, but without the guilt that usually goes along with it. It was my choice, no one dictated whether I went left, right, straight ahead or made a U turn and went back the way I just came from.

On those nights when it was quiet in the County, I could drive and think about a myriad of things. Mostly though, I would drive in quiet reflection. I might think about family, friends, conversations that were had, arguments, funny or sad things I had witnessed, what could I have done in a particular instance that would have changed the outcome of a previous case and etc. and etc. Hell, why not say it, it would also be about what I wanted in my future. You know what I mean, places to go, people to see or meet, and things to have.

A few of those reflections have left indelible marks on me. Sometimes I learned something new about myself. Many times though, I was left with a sense of wonderment. Where did these thoughts come from. What put them in my head. How did they get there in the first place. Sometimes I was left with more questions then answers,but the awe factor remained.

This is one of the things I miss the most. I still try to recreate those quiet times of reflection, however it doesn't feel the same. I have found my new place for solitude and reflection. I am not driving like before, it is a nice place but I am stationary so it's a different feeling. When I'm there, I'm still in quiet reflection but I haven't achieved the same sense of satisfaction from it.

I have made the conscious choice to take my life in a different direction. So maybe this is why my moments of reflection don't feel the same. Maybe once I reach the moment where that sense of wonderment returns, it won't feel the same but will feel even better. Sometimes I still miss my old life, but now I look forward to my new life more and more everyday. My new life is full of wonderment and new possibilities of the likes that I haven't even imagined yet.

Now that I'm writing and thinking about this it finally makes sense. My times of reflection aren't that anymore. Instead of being reflections of the past, this time should be spent on visions of the future. Thank You for helping me figure this out.