Things I still smile about

There are many things about law enforcement work that can make you hard and jaded about the rest of the world. However there are happy things that occur, so little and slight you can forget them. Many of my happy times I had forgotten or closed them off in my brain. At least until this moment. I just woke up, my alarm clock says 2:24 in the a.m and here is list of happy memories. My brain is yelling at me to write them down.

I'm not going to explain them. They are moments in time and they made me happy and whenever I look back at this post or remember them again, they will still make me happy.

100 Grand and Payday candy bars. Brown eyes. Maya Angelou. Eating microwave popcorn in the wee hours of the morning. Eating chips and salsa at 6:30 a.m. before going to bed. Lascivious. All night car rides. 400 and Alabama. 1400 and Louisiana. Cruising the cemeteries in the middle of the night. Microphone clicks. Subway sandwiches. 1821066969.

These are just a few of the things I will cherish forever.

Now I can go back to sleep. Good Night Everyone

Ponder on This

A long time ago a lady I knew told me.

"The ones you Love aren't what makes your life. The Love you give them and receive from them and the memories made are what truly makes your life. These can never be taken away and live with us forever."

I truly love quotes. Whether they are from famous people, Presidents, Generals, Poets, or from the regular people you see everyday, yet they are very wise people I have known or met by happenstance. I used to enjoy sitting on the benches outside the stores in little towns with people when I was a child and just listen to their stories and the life lessons they wished to share with me. However, I stopped listening to these wonderful people and felt like I knew it all. Boy was I ever wrong. I have always still enjoyed reading peoples quotes. But very seldom did I really stop to think and contemplate what they truly meant.

The quote I mentioned above is one that I heard her say, but never really thought to much about it. I ran across the piece of paper the other day where I had jotted this down. I don't really know why I jotted it down but I did. Sometimes I will run across something, or hear somebody say something I thought was poignant or important or discover some quote and will just jot it down thinking I will think about it later. Most of the time I just end up throwing them away, never giving them a second thought, but this one I didn't throw away. I have kept it all of these many years. I don't know if she came up with it on her own or if she had learned it somewhere, but it was clear that it was meaningful to her. I truly wish she was still with us in this world so I could ask her about it. Unfortunately I don't have that option. So I have to work on understanding this on my own.

Lets recap. "The ones you Love don't make your life. The Love you give them and receive from them and the memories made are what truly makes your life. These can never be taken away and live with us forever." What does this mean? Now there is a question for you.

I have my thoughts about this, and when I stop to think about it the first thing I think is, you know what she is right. It's not the ones you love that make your life, it is the memories. But then I think it's wrong. If the ones I loved were never in my life, I wouldn't have these memories to carry with me in the first place. However, I do agree that the love given and received and the memories that were made will never be taken away and will live with us forever. I also feel these memories can and should make us better people as we continue to go on about our lives.

I will look at this quote over and over again, just as I do a few others I enjoy. I am also sure my thoughts about its true meaning will grow and change as I go on through my life. But, one thing will never change. My appreciation of the lovely lady who said it to me and the memories of her I shall always remember.

Sometimes ya just gotta say it.

Hello Scanner Land. They are either a cops best friend or your biggest problem. They either love to listen in on whats going on in the area or they are nosy or bored, or all of the above. I was routinely one they loved. Mainly because I had fun with the police scanner listeners and would tell it like it is/was. No fancy radio codes, just plain English.

An example of this is one night I was dispatched to a Donkey had gotten loose and was causing traffic problems and running out onto the highway. I went to the area/town where it was reported to be and guess what, no donkey. I drove up and down the highway, the towns streets and looked everywhere I could think a free hoofing donkey might be. Nothing, not even anything that could be confused with a donkey. I spent a good 15-20 minutes looking and nothing could be found.

The proper way to have cleared from this call would have been to use the fancy 10 codes to clear the call and found nothing to report. Well I didn't do that. I called in by radio and stated to dispatch I was clearing, and apparently I can't find my ass for a hole in the ground.

Like I said, scanner land loved me.

She was 7, almost 8

I am going to be upfront right from the beginning of this particular Blog. IT IS SAD, NOTHING BUT SAD. Don't read this if you don't want to feel SAD.

In every law enforcement officers profession there is a first time for everything to happen. This was my first time for a fatality accident, the first time for the fatality of a child, and the first time for the fatality of a child that I knew. It was also the first day I flipped a switch off in my head to cope with the pain, misery, fear and ungodly sadness that makes us all human beings.

When I began my career as a law enforcement officer, I showed up that first day, got my badge, uniforms, keys to my Ford Crown Victoria and a county map. I was told we don't have anyone to train you, so just go out there and figure it out. Well, I was gung ho and just took off and frankly did just that. I thought I was invincible and proved that by wading into things that I had no idea about what I was doing. I flew by the seat of my pants. This became my motto.

Well things were great for several months. I moved into a little town and met a few of the people there. Most people avoided the "cop" like the plague. However, there was a little girl who got off the school bus every day right in front of my house. Which was also at the same time I would be leaving for work. She was a sweet pretty little girl with blonde curly hair and big brown eyes that took in everything around her (more like drank in everything around her) . She always had a smile and everyday she would say to me "Hi Mr. Policeman". We would talk for a few minutes and she would then tell me "bye" and then she would skip home to her house three doors down from mine. I would wave at her as I drove off and she would smile and wave back.

We kept this up for several weeks. One day, a friday, I was on a day off and was out cleaning and straightening out my car and equipment when she came home. She stopped and talked. She was asking about everything in the car and I told her what everything was and how it all worked. We sat down on the curb by the car and we ate pixie stix, drank a soda and talked and had a great time. When she got ready to leave she gave me a big hug and said thank you for telling me about everything. I told her she was welcome and went on my way.

The next day, Saturday, I left early and went to my office to do some work. I was called in the squadroom and told they needed me to come on duty that there was an injury accident not to far from my house. I went on duty and responded to the scene. This was also my very first injury accident call. I arrived at the scene of the accident and there was a Jeep CJ 7 that had rolled over and was lying on its side. I went running up to the scene to take care of the injured and when I stepped around the vehicle A big part of me just fell apart. There lying on the ground was my sweet little neighbor girl, crushed, because she had been ejected from the Jeep and it had rolled over on her. Need I say it. Well , my first injury accident had now become my first fatality accident, my first death of a child, and my first fatality where I knew the victim.

I will say it. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO. I wanted to fall on the ground and cry, no SOB. I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to scream out in agony.

I didn't get the chance. A lady that was at the scene grabbed me and jerked me around to look at her, she shook me and said Straighten Up, Now. You have to take care of this, this is your Job.

Just like that, a switch in my head just SHUT OFF. No more emotion, just get the job done. This is just what I did. I asked where the driver of the vehicle was. I was told that she got picked up by another person and they took her to the hospital because she was hurt. I said she just left her (little girl) here. The person told me she said there is nothing I can do for her she is dead. Nothing Showed on my face, No Emotion allowed. Inside I was being ripped to shreds.

Well paperwork, diagrams, sketches, measurements and photographs were taken. Luckily my dispatcher had contacted the Highway Patrol and asked if they had a trooper on duty and available close to my area and he responded and walked and talked me through the entire ordeal. I don't remember his name anymore but whoever he was I want to say "THANK YOU" now.

After the scene was cleared and the vehicle released to the tow service I and the Highway Patrolman went to the hospital to meet and talk to the driver to find out what happened. We arrived and went into the Emergency Room and we were informed that she had been treated and released and was sitting outside waiting for her ride to pick her up. We went outside and there a woman sat with an open 12 pack of beer with several empty cans beside her. I asked her what happened and she said that she had got to close to the edge of the gravel road and she slid and it rolled over and through her daughter out. I asked her why she left the scene, she said she was hurt and I needed to get to the hospital. I asked so why didn't you bring the little girl. SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID "SHE WAS DEAD, THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO".

The next thing I know I am being pulled away by the trooper and being told you need to leave, Right Now. Get out of here, Right Now. Another officer at the hospital took me to my car and said go to the office, we will be there in a few minutes. I was soon met by them and apparently I attempted to go after this mother and they had to restrain me. I honestly don't remember a thing after this woman had said that and them dragging me away from there.

Well this is bad enough right. RIGHT. However it's not over yet. My day of firsts aren't over yet. I then had to accompany this little girl to the coronors office to witness first Autopsy. I then had to accompany her to the Mortuary for my first time to witness a body being embalmed. ENOUGH ALREADY. Wrong, there is more

Three days later, I come on duty and am directed to assist with traffic control for a funeral that is to be coming to my area in about a half hour. I get to stop and direct traffic for her funeral. Nothing Showed on my face, No Emotion Allowed. But I was dying on the inside.

The switch in my head that I switched off. It stayed switched off for a long time. No Emotions, No Love, No Caring, No Compassion, NOTHING!!!! Just pure hate, contempt and pain. Mine and anybody who got in my way, I cared absolutely less for what anyone felt, wanted, needed. Get Over It. Get Away From Me.

I eventually flipped this switch back on. To some degree anyway. I would say maybe "half way on". But BAM, just like that I could and would flip it right back off. Turn plumb mean and cause destruction to myself and others in my life.I am not Bragging or Boasting about this. I am Ashamed of this.

This little girl comes back to visit me every year. In my thoughts, in my dreams, in the things and people I see around me, and in the conversations and laughter of children I happen to see.

I feel like this little girl came to see me again yesterday at my garage sale. There was a little girl who came with her parents and was just so sweet, blonde curly hair, big brown eyes and just plain Happy. She was a little Angel, talking about her birthday and was curiously watching, looking and listening to everyone and everything, just drinking it all in. It didn't dawn on me at the time or I would have paid more attention to her. Actually it didn't dawn on me until right now, as I am sitting here writing this. with tears in my eyes and running down my cheeks. I think and really feel that my little Angel friend has come to see me again. I think she has been coming to see me every year for these 25 years trying to teach me something. No One has ever known how much her death affected me because I refused to let anyone in. No One, No Emotion, Nothing Showed on my Face.

I think maybe now I understand. I understand why this little girl has been coming to see me and what she has been trying to tell me. To turn that switch On, all the way On, and to leave it On. To feel free to live life, to feel life and to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions with everyone in my life.

My life is undergoing many amazing changes right now. With much of it, I am scared. However, I am also embracing it and the many amazing changes that are coming with it. I have a fresh and newfound faith in this world. I am Positive all of our goals, hopes, dreams and aspirations will occur.

My Little Angel, I have finally heard what you have been trying to tell me. I never knew your name and I regret that fact. However you will always have a special place in my heart.

You can rest now my little friend. I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU, THINK OF YOU AND LOVE YOU.

Get on the ground

During my law enforcement days, I had many exciting opportunities to assist in working narcotics cases. FUN, FUN for one and all, especially us cops.

On one particular bright and sunshiny day, we had finally completed one of our cases and obtained search warrants for two different locations. We decided to hit both places at exactly the same time to avoid any chances of losing our evidence and our suspects (ie. drugs and criminals). We got the entry teams set up and our assignments of who was doing what job/task covering what place and going where when we arrived at our sites. Damn it, on this one I got assigned to be the guy who went to the back door. All the way out there I was mumbling about not being in on the action, the back door sucks, nothing ever happens at the back door.

Well, we arrived about a 1/4 mile from the house and they dropped me off, I circled around and got set up on the back of the house. About 5 minutes later they entry team hit the front door, yelling SHERIFFS DEPARTMENT!!!! SEARCH WARRANT!!!! and made entry into the house, grabbing the occupants in the house and cuffing them.

Then over my portable radio I hear, we got a runner, he is headed for the back door. In the house I hear the telltale thump, thump, thump, of running feet. I aimed my handgun at the back door and took about three steps back waiting for the door to open. It came swinging open with a bang and I am looking at a big man, his eyes got as big as saucers while looking at the business end of my handgun and I yelled at him, "You better get your face on the ground, NOW!!! And thats just what he did. He just kept his hands in the air and fell face forward out the back door of the house. landing perfectly on his face on the ground. Oh, and by the way, at this time I will tell you there were no back steps at this door and it was a good 4 foot drop from the door sill to the ground. But when he hit the ground, he never moved.

After my cover officer arrived, I handcuffed him, got him on his feet and searched him for weapons and contraband. Guess what, he had illegal narcotics in his possession. I then took him to the hospital to have him checked for injuries and to clean him up from the bloody nose and split lips he received when he face planted out that back door. Then he got to spend some quality time at the county jail.

The officer that was chasing him down the hallway told me later that day that I just stood there looking at the guy and said. I can't believe you just did that. did you see that.

I guess this just goes to show. druggies are not the sharpest tools in the shed.

Monkey

During my career as a deputy, I saw some, shall we say, interesting things. One particular night I was dispatched to take a non injury accident report. I was to meet the reporting party in front of the bank in a small city in my County.

I arrived at the bank and spoke with the lady driving the car and asked if she was OK and she said she was not injured. I asked what had happened and she said that she was on her way home and a deer was in the road and she swerved to miss it. When she did, she hit a highway pole on the passenger side of her car. I got all of the needed information, from her for my accident report, drivers license information, vehicle registration and her insurance information. I then completed the report. I then took out my camera and began taking pictures of the vehicle and also took pictures of the damaged area of the vehicle. While I was taking pictures, out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving and a small hairy hand and arm appeared in the passenger window. I shined my flashlight in the window and saw a very small creature that was covered in dark hair.

The words that came out of my mouth can never be taken back no matter what I do. Without missing a beat I looked at the lady and said. "Hey lady, where did you get the little monkey?" WRONG THING TO SAY!!!!

The lady immediately burst into tears and said that's not a monkey, thats my baby.

Luckily I managed to snap a picture of the kid with my accident photos. Because she complained about me and my rude statements of her child. When I was called in for my counseling session, I showed the photos to my Sheriff and he said that maybe I should have asked her. Now who is this handsome little guy. I laughed and said with my luck it would have been a girl.